Life as a Nigerian

Hi guys! 😀 Been a while…again. ._. You can’t blame me, I’ve got school and besides, exams are around the corner.

That aside… So, I was feeling quite nostalgic and the thoughts of home kept swimming in :(. I don’t keep diaries, so that’s when my laptop came in handy 🙂 Someone once told me that “the most random thoughts make the best stories” Writing Typing time! ^_^

Nigeria is such a beautiful place complete with colour, diversity and culture. I love that place. Today, I’ve put together a few things that amuse me about growing up as a Nigerian. I hope you all enjoy it and think of home, especially if you’re not in Nigeria right now. And if you’re not Nigerian, this is a rare peek into the life of a Nigerian child. 🙂

Nigerians are so big on respect. They love to be respected and they teach their children to respect everyone older than they are, even if they’re just two minutes older. Please whatever you do, do NOT greet a Nigerian elder with ”hi” or  ”hello”, been there done that, it does not end well;

You: Hi aunty

Aunty: Ehn? Hi kwa? Can’t you say ‘Good Afternoon’???

There may or may not be ensuing slaps.

I believe respect is also the reason why children are not allowed to drink malt, No? Even in weddings! The servers will pass by you or give you coke, Fanta or Sprite if you’re not an adult. This is quite random, but I’ve always wondered why some Adults always put all those liquid milk (especially peak milk) into their malt :/

– No one punishes like Nigerian parents. It’s a fact. The fear of your parents is also a very good place for wisdom to start. When you have committed, your parents will call you by your full name (e.g Chideraa Marie Modupe Nicole Obi) and after a dialogue that is actually a monologue of them shouting rhetorical questions like, ”Am I your mate??” at you, they will proceed to either flog you or hit you with anything from wooden spoons (used for the making of Garri a.k.a Eba) to slippers. God bless you if their weapon breaks on your body, because then you will be beaten for the loss of the weapon. Also, do not attempt self-defense, you might destroy the weapon and like I said, that doesn’t help you. And do not try to run, they will throw things at you and catch up with you. So, don’t do it.

Also, whatever you do, do NOT respond to any accusation your Nigerian parent makes because it will be held against you.

”Why are you just coming home?? You were with that boy again abi??”

”Daddy… We just went to…”

”Shut up! Are you talking back at me??”

– Nigerian parents are the lords of sarcasm and bitter irony. When your father calls you ”my friend”, it’s never a good sign. They also have the habit of calling your name a specific number of times (they know this number) designed to instill fear and then they’ll ask-”How many times did I call you??” when you’ve done wrong. They’ll say things like –”Ask me again!” when they don’t know the answer to your question or ”oya beat me!” when you try to defend yourself against them. They’ll tell your teacher to flog you; yes, they might plead with her to flog you very well if you do wrong (I’m a living witness to this 😐 ). You might be fortunate to have parents on the other side of the spectrum who’ll come with a cane to flog your teacher after she has flogged you.

– Try not to correct your Nigerian parents, especially in English-related issues. If they’re in a good mood, they’ll laugh and say;

”Ha! It’s not my language oh!”

If they had a bad day?

”So, you now have no respect abi? Is that what they’re teaching you in that your school?”

Ignore the fact that your parent says ”Bee-yonce” as opposed to ”Bee-yon-say”. DO NOT CORRECT THEM.

– Nigerian parents are not pro-dating. They are pro-marriage. They expect to see a prospective husband or hear about someone coming to ”knock door” when you’re twenty five but they expect you to never date anyone. Well, ladies, we have our work cut out for us. We ”garra” make some magic happen!

– They were all straight ‘A’ students in their time. They hit you with the classic line of, “I always came first in my class”. You have no business failing any course.

”Mummy, I had 90% in Mathematics!”

”Ehn… Where’s the other 10%?”

Daddy interjects: In my time, I had 98% minimum!

Well, what can we do? This is why most, if not all Nigerian students do very well everywhere.

Nigerian parents do not understand the song choices of this generation. And while I don’t blame them, it hurt my feelings when my mum said that my one of my favorite Beyoncé songs, ‘Halo’ sounded like a funeral song. Despite my arguments, she still maintains her ground till today. She also thinks that most of the songs that our generation listen to these days are “Gbo-Gbo, Jim-Jim” (LOOOL. That’s basically an onomatopoeia for the ‘songs we tend to dance to in this century’ :’) ) According to her, it’s all noise *sigh. She’s probably right. They’re probably right and we’re all too starstruck to see clearly. I always tease her with some of the songs ‘they’ listened to in their time; especially this one with the lyrics, “Celebrate good times, come on!…” *moonwalks across the room* Lol, the song is catchy. You guys probably know it…or not. ( ._.)

Nigerian parents are very squeamish about saying ”I love you”. You have to say it first. Many Nigerians have never actually heard their parents say ”I love you” to them. They love you, they’re just shy. I know, it’s cute. ^.^

If you were raised in a Nigerian home, especially if you’re female, you’ll know that every morning, you should sweep the house and its environs. Basically, you clean every day like a health inspector is coming to visit. The only problem is that Nigerian mothers are stricter than the average health inspector.

Nigerian weddings are the greatest! Food and dance! The problem is that it starts two to three hours later and to be an MC you have to be a proficient ‘apologist’ to apologize constantly and promise to set the guests free on time. Another problem is that people will probably fight about food and drinks. And insult those serving and accuse them of enormous partiality. You also have to bring a gift or forget about receiving a “soh-veh-niah” (souvenir).

We invented spraying money on the couple while they dance happily. And then we dance on the naira notes.

At a Nigerian event, it is most likely that you’ll be unable to see in front of you, thanks to the many gele-wearing women.

NO NIGERIAN PARENT WILL PAY YOU FOR DOING CHORES.

”I’ll use the money to feed you. Who pays your school fees??”

They will even make you wash dishes and clothes when you have a dishwasher and washing machine. Do you want your husband to send you home? No? Ehen, wash.

Hot chocolate like ‘Milo’ is called ”tea”. In Nigeria, you hardly see anyone who drinks tea. They may have tea in their cupboard but 70-80% of the time, it remains unused. Meanwhile in the U.K it’s like a daily ritual for the citizens. I still don’t drink it, regardless *shrugs*

Visitors show up without calling and eat all the food in your house and leave a mountain of unwashed dishes. At least, it’s not as bad as family that comes to stay for a week and stay a year.

And now, some final fun facts;

– In Nigeria, an average road side seller of ‘Gala’ runs faster than Usain Bolt.

– Witches in Nollywood movies are a thousand times scarier than Freddy from ‘Friday the 13th’ or Chucky from ‘Child’s play’

– Nollywood movies induced the fear of cats in me 😦 According to the movies, cats are all evil. That’s probably the reason why MOST Nigerians dislike cats and start “binding and casting in the name of Jesus” when they see one.

– Nigerians are accustomed to doubling words, e.g; ‘follow follow’: A person who follows the crowd. ‘Chop Chop’: Someone who loves to eat. ‘Kata Kata’: Basically trouble of massive proportions.

– We rename objects; T-shirt = Polo. Hair packer = A hair band of some sort that you use to ‘pack your hair’ :/(otherwise known as a scrunchy).

– Nigerian breakfasts are the greatest. They range from akara, bread and akamu a.k.a pap to yam porridge. They’ll have you either sleepy all day or extra fortified depending on the kind of person you are.

– Eating Garri and egusi, oha or any other soup your mother prepared for lunch is a daily ritual in typical Nigerian homes.

DO NOT expect to see Ice-cream in the ice-cream containers left in your freezers/refridgerators. Half of the time, it’s just soup stored in there. -_-

-No one makes declarations like Nigerians;

”The devil is a liar!” can be a declaration, confirmation or question.

”Jesus is Lord!” or “Blood of Jesus!” comes in handy in times of profound shock.

– A Nigerian child is everyone’s child. Your mother can call your neighbors to beat you. Yes. Or they’ll just come on their own. This is why everyone both related and unrelated to you is your ‘aunty’ or ‘uncle’.

I love Nigeria. I love my parents and all Nigerian parents and every time I see other children who weren’t raised properly, I’m grateful to my parents for teaching me courtesy, respect, self-sacrifice and patience. Appreciate your parents! They love you.

P.S – I would love to hear your funny experiences growing up as a Nigerian and maybe we can have a reader’s edition. That’s if anyone gets to read this at all. ._. Don’t be shy, leave a comment! 🙂 x

myunpopularthoughts

Hello beautifuls! So today, I’m just writing a random list of random things that randomly piss me off. Wait first, before you start, don’t read this and judge me like this one just hates on everything lol. We all have our pet peeves; these are some of mineee (in no specific order). Enjoy 😀

1)     It annoys me when people (in my age group) say ‘my man’ instead of ‘my boyfriend’ or something. Don’t ask me why cuz idk lol it just annoys me.

2)     I hate it when people claim to be beliebers or part of Rihanna navy, yet they spell Bieber as ‘Beiber’ and Rihanna as ‘Rhianna’. I’m not a member of either fandom but it still irritates me. Like if you’re going to be a stan, at least be able to correctly spell the name of the person you’re ‘stanning’ for.

3)     Hate it when people ask…

View original post 535 more words

It’s all “Fun and Games”. . .

…Till the joke is on you.

Hi guys 😀

….*crickets* :/

Lol, okay. So I haven’t really had time to post anything on here for a while. Well, only because I had a lotta exams amongst some other things that I had to deal with. You’ll probably be seeing more of me now…I guess.

So recently I’ve been seeing a lot of banter on twitter, ranging from the ‘dm leaks’ to calling someone ‘hellboy’ (HELL BOY?? come on…) and so on amongst other things… If you’re on Nigerian twitter (sadly) you’ll probably know what I’m on about. Now I ask, when did you lot become Jesus to start judging who is ugly and who isn’t?? The fact that someone isn’t your definition of ‘beautiful‘, doesn’t make them ugly. God gave everyone sense, but some people just refuse to use it. Well, common sense isn’t that common after all.

What do you gain from slandering others? A couple ‘lols’, ‘Lmaos’ and RTs? Is that it?? I see no reason why you should make fun of others, be it social networking or not. Funny enough yeah, half of you that run your mouth on twitter saying shizzle have nothing to show for it when you come face to face with the person in question. Now what does that make you? “A TOOTHLESS BULLDOG” , a complete wuss/wimp who obviously has no life; exhibiting f*ckboy behaviour (Excuse my french) in front of his/her computer screen.

Y’all be like “It’s all fun and games on here, It’s never that serious” Lol nah…initially, that was what I thought… till someone OD’d on pills. It’s all fun and games till you are the centre of the joke. Like somone on twitter said, “Be enjoying yourself as your mentions are being filled with ‘lmao’s and ‘lol’s.” Like you actually think they are endorsements to run your mouth. I swear twitter has given those ones so much liberty/allowance…  Such impudence. Some of you think you’re of higher thinking order or something…maybe a higher species. (You lot know them as so called “Twitter celebs” Lool. Just..LOOL! Wake up and smell the coffee hunnay.

Half of the time when I see some of these people doing what they know how to do best, I’m tempted to give them a piece of my mind, but being the good girl that I am ^_^ who doesn’t like excessive drama and unwanted attention also known as the so called baseless tweetfights, I just leave it and keep to myself.

Now being completely neutral in this issue and watching from the sidelines (a.k.a Amebo perspective x_x) I’ve also noticed that during tweetfights the first line of insult is calling someone ‘ugly’ even when the person the insult is aimed at clearly isn’t. In my mind i’m like, “LOL!! Okay Beckham /Okay Beyonce” . The worst is especially when the person insulting now looks like someone/something Shrek would easily take on in a beauty pageant.  Please, it seems you don’t know the meaning of ugly. For you lot who ‘misuse’ this word a lot, let me educate you B-) ;

“Ugly is defined as someone or something which is ‘Unpleasant’ or ‘Repulsive’ to look at” – Now how does your insult in anyway correspond with this definition? Get your facts right. If you don’t like the person, tell the person straight up and stop making silly and unnecessary excuses to hate on him/her.

If you’re gonna insult someone, the least you could do is to make it realistic. I mean HOW can you tell someone that their head looks like a ‘bag of rice’?? 😐 :/ Please can you guys explain to me how someone’s head resembles a bag of rice?? HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?? Like i’m totally confused :s

I could go on and on about this issue but I’ll just leave it at that.

P.S If you’re among these set of people, STOP IT.

Have a nice day 🙂 xx

@Marie_nx

EXAM STRESS!! :(

exams1

So basically, at this very moment I’m revising for my exams starting on Wednesday and ending sometime next week. I don’t know…but whenever I’ve got exams I’m so nervous!! Alright, I’m sure you guys reading this will be like “who isn’t?” but I think my own case is…well worse, like during this period, I hardly sleep (lol, not like I sleep early anyways),I can pull an all-nighter studying and stuff, Food suddenly becomes less of a priority, I isolate myself from all things human, constantly in my room trying to fit as much as I can into my brain (It’s not like i’ll remember half of what I read tho..lol x_x). Seeing that that doesn’t help half of the time, I have to go over them again. For some reason it feels like I’m typing some kind of formal letter or something.. :/ I guess it’s because i’m in my study mode B-) LOL! Okay, so apparently most people say it’s not healthy cos it drains people of all their energy and stuff and quoting my mum, “seeing that i’m skinny, it’s not gonna help my case in any way” Lmaoo!! 😦 Lol, but what can I do? Like a friend said, “Gotta get those A’s and B’s… they look good on the CV” Can’t help but agree with her though, I’m not much of a Nerd but at least you get my point. I’m trying to stop this bad habit and maybe minimise the amount of time I read so I can get enough rest. Either way, I don’t wanna take chances. I just decided to take a little break off my endless hours of studying to put this up. Hopefully I’ll do well in my exams. Have a good week y’all! 🙂 and oh, HAPPY NEW YEAR!! ^_^

2012 highlights

So, this is my first official post and I’m quite excited. Although, I’m yet to figure out how it all works 🙂 Oh well…

This year has been really fast. Lots have happened in so little a time for me to recall everything. The tears, joy, laughter, the sad times, the unfortunate deaths. It’s just been a whirlwind of events and i’m just really happy to witness the end of it all. All thanks to God. 🙂

There are things you come across in life & forget with a wave of the hand. There are also things you come across and it becomes part & parcel of you & no matter how hard you try to forget,it only develops itself to remain in you. This is what i describe as Personal highlights (of a certain period of time). Then you have the General highlights of one’s year. These are things that you probably won’t forget in a hurry. It could be anything ranging from the most hilarious thing you’ve heard/seen that to the best thing that happened to you within that given period.

Now, i’m gonna be talking about both my personal and general highlights and it would be quite easy for you to differentiate these two as you read on… This is just a few compared to what my brain’s capacity still holds…

1) New friends – I made a lot of friends this year, probably because i decided to leave Coventry for a bit this summer to go spend sometime with family friends and other relatives. ^_^ I also made a few legit friends off twitter that i’d love to see sometime. :’) They are people with amazing personalities, funny, intelligent and will actually listen to your problems and try to help you in anyway they can. I never thought i’d come across these type of people but I did, and for this i’m thankful 🙂 Love youss!! ❤

2) The Olympics – This was one of my major highlights this year on Twitter. LMAO!! Now if you’re an active twitter user you’ll know what i’m talking about. Basically my best day throughout the period of the Olympics was the Nigeria VS U.S.A Men’s Basketball match – the memes and all the jokes that were cracked on that day kept me rolling and laughing like i was “possessed”. Lol, that was how my mum described my behaviour that night x_x She was like “Chidera, are you sure you’re alright?” Lmao!! I couldn’t even deal. :’)

3) Aluu4 – This was an incident that occurred in Nigeria where 4 young men were falsely accused of being thieves. They were beaten to the point of death by the citizens of Aluu (a small community in a state in Nigeria) How can people be so WICKED to not even hear their own side of the story?? It was a sad day indeed. May their soul rest in peace. 😦

4) Iyanya – Kukere (Nigerian) – “All my ladies, All my ladies…” ~(‘,’~) (~’,’)~ LOL! This is my jam!! I first heard this song in the last quarter of 2011. I quickly downloaded it when i found a link. Around that time it wasn’t that popular but i still loved it. In 2012, he shot a video for it…to cut the long story short everyone saw the video and loved it (both song and video) I mean how can’t you love it??

Dancing

5) D’banj – Oliver Twist (Nigerian) – Now Don Jazzy released this song in 2010/ 2011?.. (Can’t really remember :s) and it was is a confirmed JAM!! In Nigeria Africa, it was quite easy for this tune to be the Number 1 tune on everyone’s playlist. But the best part of it was when this tune hit the U.K in 2012!! ^_^. It was unexpected… Major Celebrities were tweeting about it, it was on MTV’s top ten hits for weeks!!, One of UK’s biggest jam for the whole of summer and beyond!! Haha!! trust a Nigerian like me to be gassed about the whole thing. Anytime i heard it play, i’d be like “Yeah!! D’banj is from Nigeria, deal with it. B-)” Whoop!! #TeamAfrobeats ^_^

Oliver twist

6) Azonto Dance (Ghanaian) – I don’t need to say much on this..This is a dance craze that originated in Ghana and started getting popular in 2011.  By 2012 it was a major craze in the UK and other parts of the world!! You can basically azonto to everything. ^_^ Africa rules!

azonto

7) #NigerianPronounciations (Pronunciations) – This trended worldwide on twitter in the summer. Like, i actually couldn’t believe it did LMAOOO!! That night was hilarious!! Shows that there are a lot of Nigerians on twitter than we think. B-) #Swaggy My faves of that night were:

– #NigerianPronounciations TAKE THAT BACK = BACK TO SENDER!!! / HOLY GHOST FIRE!! Tufiakwa!! God forbid, i reject it!!! :”) (Lmao!! I know, i know…this  one’s not really categorized as Pronunciations, but it came up and it was funny so….yeah. B-))

– #NigerianPronounciations X-box 360 – Eggs bugs tree-sisty 

8) The killing of 27 people in Connecticut (America) – Now this occurred on the 14th of December which was towards the end of this year. But it sure made an impact on people around the globe. According to CNN, “a gunman (Adam Lanza) shot dead 20 children in an elementary school and seven adults before apparently killing himself. And it was also reported that he killed his mother (a teacher who taught in the school where the children were killed) before heading to the school, targeting a class in which his mother taught to commit this unforgivable crime”. The most painful part of all this was the number of children that were killed. I mean these were innocent children ranging from the age of 5-10 who had bright futures. You never know…one of these kids might have been the one who would find a cure for Cancer/Aids. But all hopes have been dashed. *deep sigh* There are so many sociopaths and sadists in the world today who murder people for nothing… Only God knows everything and he alone will judge this. I was really emotional when i got to hear of this news. A sad day indeed in the lives of these children’s family and friends, thinking they were gonna have a wonderful Christmas and witness a new year….The thought of this as i type makes me cry… 😥 I think i’ll just stop here…..